Hello all of you lovely people! It seems like every time I post, I go missing for at least three months…. oops. But I have a good excuse this time! We are having another baby! My heart is more full than I ever thought it could be, and not just because we are expecting, but because we are finally out of the first trimester!
Some of you may know that my husband and I lost a baby back in August, and I can’t explain the heartbreak that comes with it. I went into a dark place, and my heart was not where it should be, but after finding out we were expecting again, I crawled out of my hiding place and could finally live again! I’ll go more into detail below about my loss, how I coped, and about my current pregnancy. Keep reading to hear the raw truth of the past four months for me!
Miscarriages Should NOT be Normalized
The roman numerals of August 4th, 2018 will forever be in my heart, and now on my forearm, as that is that day our sweet baby went to be with our Lord. I’m someone who loves so hard, and so fast. I get attached easily and put my whole heart and soul into someone, and that’s just what I did with my (now) one year old and that’s what I did when we found out we were expecting back in July. We were ecstatic, and I allowed myself to get way too excited (WHICH I SHOULD).
I started having aches and pains, which I knew was normal, but not blood. Blood is not normal. I should have done something the minute I thought something was wrong, but I was informed that everything is okay and this is all normal.
Let me just back up for a minute first.. I had surgery when I was (I’m assuming) four weeks pregnant, so no way of knowing, so I was told that I could be high risk for this baby. I KNEW that. And I also knew that when these things started happening to me, it wasn’t just “pregnancy pains”, this was serious.
Later on I finally go into the ER once I finally knew I had lost the baby. They told me to wait it out and see my doctor the next week, so I did. That next week, going into the doctor’s office and finally being told that my pregnancy was no longer was by far the hardest thing I have ever been through. How was I going to tell my whole family that I had lost something we were all so excited about? How was I going to move on from this? How was I going to tell my employer that I no longer needed the maternity leave in April that I was so desperately looking forward to? I spent a lot of time crying in bed for weeks. I hurt a lot of people in hopes that I wouldn’t be the only one hurting to feel better.
But one thing that I learned from this whole experience is that people consider this NORMAL. People say, “it happens all the time” like I have no remorse that I had just lost a child. One person even told me, “at least you weren’t that far along”. EXCUSE ME. A baby is A BABY. I was PREGNANT. It ALL hurts the same. It is still a living human. And people had the nerve to normalize it.
For all the women that have gone through miscarriage silently, or have heard the words that I had to hear… I am SO sorry. I am here for you, and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to justify how sad and depressed you got just because you “weren’t that far along”. This world is so so cruel, and losing a child helps you to see that a little more clearly. I’m praying for all of you.
A Happy Ending
About a month after our loss, my family came down with, what we thought was, the flu. Only I was throwing up, but both my husband and I were bedridden for the weekend with body aches and queasy stomachs. But mine seemed to last a little longer.. and a little more severe at some times. I started to get suspicious, but didn’t think too much about it, since we have decided to take a break from trying for a baby after what happened. Our hearts were still healing. Days went by and I started crying and crying more and more about our loss, and I went back to that dark place. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I would stare at the ultrasound picture and talk to my baby as if he/she was right in front of me. I uncontrollably cried for hours upon hours. I finally went to the drugstore and bought a test. The crying was a breaking point for me. I had such little hope, but something made me take the 30 minute drive for the littlest bit of happiness I had left.
I rushed to our downstairs bathroom so my husband didn’t see me and took the test. I COULD NOT BELIEVE MY EYES WHEN I SAW THE TWO DARK LINES ON THE TEST. I instantly took it upstairs to my husband to share the news! How exciting… and very scary.
For weeks, our hearts were very guarded, and we didn’t allow ourselves to get as excited as last time, in case we would be so unfortunate again. After twelve weeks and two appointments of seeing and hearing a healthy baby, we decided to share the big news with our family and buy things for baby! The first trimester FLEW by and our baby is healthy and I’m beginning to feel the sweet little kicks!
I am so thankful for everyone who was there for me, and continue to be there for me when I have bad days. We are way excited for our rainbow baby, and so excited that our friends/families are in on the fun!